The spokes missing tooth

The light is still at rest and yet the digital sunrise has awoken me. I see nothing but darkness. I push hard down on a switch and my eyes quickly adjust to the mornings darkness. This is not me. I do not want to move. I'll let the thousands of duck feathers weigh me down for one more minute..maybe two. I exhale and damn that digital rooster with my thoughts. Quick, as if I tore a band aid off a recently dried wound, I sit up and feel my blood crash inside me as an ocean surf smashes against rocks on the coast. I have a moment of disorientation followed by the daily checklist that slaps me in the face. I don't want to do any of these. I would rip up that list if I could actually grab hold of it, but there it sits in an unreachable place. My pillow starts to laugh, taunting me that he can dispose of my list for me but I viciously shake my head no and stand on the side of my temporary coffin that held me for just a few hours that night before. My feet begin to tingle and I imagine little armies trying to defend their piece of carpet and stabbing the sole of my feet with tiny spears. Unhappily, I giggle. Almost forced by a nothing. I catch my self with a new stance as I feel myself falling towards my right, and I turn that fall into a directional walk to the bathroom.

My eyes flip off the 8 Audrey Hepburn bulbs that burn with such disdain and happiness above my bathroom mirror. If only I can get to the shower, turn the temperature to boiling, and lay down in the tub I may just find a moment of goodness in this beginning. Ahh there it is, the water melts my skin and it turns a bright pink color. The bloods got to be flowing fairly well in my veins by now. What is that piercing shot of cold air hitting the back of my neck?! The curtain isn't fully closed and I slap it as if it had offended me with something it had said.
Where am I?
Why does my back and ass feel numb?
Oh...I fell asleep in the shower again.
When did my pillow slip me his evil roofies?
I sit up, shut off the shower, shove aside the unfaithful curtain and reach for my towel. A flash flood of water drains off my body and forms a growing lake of scalding water on the sides of my feet. Those tiny armies don't stand a chance here in my bathroom, they know better.
Fast forward ten minutes.
I look at myself in the mirror and those bulbs can still go to hell. I see me, but I feel like a dead corpse. Nothing can awake my sleeping innards. My eyes are not my eyes. You know how zombies have those white eyes? Ya that is me yet somehow someone switched em with those distastefully blue ones. humm...maybe if I did MJ's Thriller right now I may, just may, resemble one of his awesome zombie dancers. Nah. Wake up. Feel the flow of blood.
I slap myself.
Nothing.
I open both my mouth and eyes really wide and make a grunting sound.
Nothing.
I do my daily macheraina; keys, wallet, phone, good...and I head towards the car.
Brain fart.
Where am I going?!
Oh ya...work
I should have listened to my pillow...

I'm in a cup. Where are you?

Writing. Reading. Writing. Losing. Crying. Disgust. Dying.
I find myself everyday different, yet satisfying in a strange sense of it. I find myself in the most random places and its pretty f*ckin awesome. While listening to a song that used to be played in the background of a party during high school, or reading a book that seems to have been written just for me. I find my smile in peoples laughs, and their smiles. How have I gotten here? Is this where I have been hiding while my vacant body wanders my monotonous life? It feels great to find these pieces, makes me lighten up, makes me want more. I found another piece of me in a glass of freshly pressed apple juice, and I was delicious. So cold, yet so tasty. I found another inner me while watching a movie upside-down on a green leafed couch, my smile resembled much a frown...I guess it depends on your perspective of it. Little pieces come back through every time I pop a joint in my hand, but it is strange that as quickly as I come together with all of these pieces that I find of myself they fall away that much faster. I am needed to speed up my pace of living and finding. The energy cycles hella fast through my blood these days... looks like I gotta keep to it, gotta keep meeting people, living life. Drinking the air, feeling the hardness of it all......life

Feel it I know you want too. Find it you will if you only allow it. Be you in the sense of sense. You never know who you are unless you let your guard down. I feel like we tend to be too involved in who we would like to be and yet we have NEVER stopped to smell the roses. I like finding bits of me hidden everywhere in random things and people, on the lips of a woman, being able to feel the goosebumps that you sense in the next year to come. Smiley face. Frowny face. They are both the same if you view them with the right mindset and perspective.