My Lady

My daily second hand only ticks by the power of love. The love that so narrowly pierces my heart with such force that the internal bleeding of the 'wound' sooths my soul. The pain is good and drives me to live with a smile upon my face. Not a mask I wear. Not...A...mask. What I see is hurt and what I feel is compassion. My Lady is who pierces my soul. She is the one that creates the fluttering in my chest. Be mine for a time? Love me? Of course you do, you will, you are. God bless you. With the heat of my heart steaming with care, you so close can feel, and with you we come to one. This is us and this is where we'll be. The redness flows from your head and splashed down on your shoulders and ends with such power...what have you done to me?! Created a diamond from coal. These are the miracles you have created...this is your love. This is your home. Will you stay? I hope forever. My love for you is always. Constant. Insane I stand, hand in hand. The sky falls below our feet and lifts us to no where, but that no where is somewhere that you and I can only reach. There I am yours, and you are mine, and there we are always. Love...close your eyes. Love...feel my soul. Love...heal my heart.

(Currently listening to Southern Point by Grizzly Bear)

Smile

Here I lie in the wee hours of the morning contemplating life. Life as I know it...and how others have convinced we should know it. humm.. interesting. Have you ever taken a step back and observed your life? Do it if you haven't. Do it now. What is it that you see? What is it that you chose not to see? hum.. interesting. These are the days you need to feel the air flow through your hair, past your ears, life your coat. These are the days you need not move a muscle as you gracefully walk along the line of existence. These are...the times. The sky darkens as the sun rises. The grins are constant while you search their eyes. Light is no where but everywhere. The Love grows free as the rain soaks its roots. The lightening shows bits of hope in your times of trouble. Love is where we must stand. Love is what grows. Love is where one is transformed from an adolescent to an adult. Love is. Love....is. Be who you may, the sky is still grey...dug a hole and found a glow. Further I go and find the root. The roots from the Love. They glow with hope, but why buried? Why so deep in the earth where no light is shown? For the love is what drives us. Upon the hardened grown of life one is oblivious to this Love. One struggles to live. One dies in hate. You must acknowledge this absence of Love. You must search for it. It is always found where we least expect it. It is underfoot. Like always. Love is where the heart is. Love is me. Love is you. Smile and spare a root.

(Currently listening to Reservations by Wilco)

Your own ball and chain

It is frustrating when you have so much on your mind and you can't put any of it to words. Right now this is how I feel and I feel it unfair. I would love to spill my soul on this white canvas but of course can barley get a drip going. Ugh its frustrating. So I'm tired, but I'm energetic. Asleep but awake. Jittery and restless. These are a few of my favorite things. When I look out this window here I see the people who are naive to the world and forced to smile, told how to smile. They never will learn on their own, yet have a perma-grin due to the fact of the MAN here in this conservative valley. I see people trying to break those bonds but not knowing how...so they end up not knowing themselves, or just masking their smiles. They may fool us all during the day but those that hide it, when at home, with no one else around, they smile like everyone else. How it would be to live an idiotic life-style. Horrific. There they all are so small to me from up here on the fourth floor. They walk forward with no direction, with nothing but cell phones in hand and lies in their head. They seem so small. I feel like I can reach out and grab them, turn them around...and show them truth to their darkness. But unfortunately this is only a feeling...I reach out and they disappear. Sadness. I reach out with my voice and my sounds are heard yet not loud enough to take effect. I look around and see nothing but lies. I feel nothing but hate. I smell only hell. I sense fear...and feel no light.

Pick your poison, for it'll be your last choice. If you feel happy about it...continuing on drinkin it. It wont quench your thirst you have...only suck more life out of your brain. What is true happiness? Not being tied down that is for sure. Doing what you wish and living life responsibly, is a good starter for your happiness. Nobody likes to be told that they are doing something bad...hum. interesting. peace

(Currently listening to I Know What I Am by the Band of Skulls)

Times are changing

The hell'ishness of the semester has hit me. A seven o'clock class sounds so lame and boring to me...and way to early. I know I know that I picked my poison when I signed up for classes but that doesn't mean it will be easy for me to awake at the wee hours of the morning just to bill a couple beakers full of Sodium Chloride and get numbers somehow...ugh labs...but they are so easy and only once a week. Ah the things we put ourselves through. Honestly I don't know how I am writing right now...I'm so effing tired and could totally fall back asleep. Which sounds oh so nice but I have to study... no rhyme or reason really. Have you ever read any Chuck Klosterman books? ha they are awesome, especially the one entitled, "Sex, Drugs and Coco puffs". The title has nothing to do with the book itself...just showing the randomness that all three subjects in that statement shows. He writes each entry, or chapter, when you're in between that wake a asleep stage in the wee hours of the morning. So everything is very 'random'. I guess that is how I can say it and will say it...very random, as well as very funny. I love it. Check him out...his books are located in the music section at Borders or Barnes and Noble. ugh...my arm can't take typing anymore...I'm peacing out. Later

(Currently listening to Goodbye Babylon by The Black Keys.)

(no subject)

Victory is mine! I just took my Bio 1070 test and did very well!! Alot better than I was expecting! Today showed the outcome of the forces I put into studying. I really can see the difference. If I had studied just a tinsy bit more I would have dont phenomenal on the test. But where I sit now with my score I'm pleased! yay for me. I also can see the need for three hours of study time every day from the one hour I'm in lecture. Anyway I wanted to say happy day to myself! peace

(Currently listening to Fighting In A Sack by The Shins)

When are you gunna put me a song?!

How and why is it that when you are in the greatest mood ever, we let other people take that from us? Being at a level ten, we allow ourselves to plumit down to a three in two seconds. humm...interesting, I guess it is our choice at the same time to allow whoever lower our mood. I guess one is not supposed to be at a manic high all the time...right? Being bi-polar doesn't really help out too much...using mood stablizers and depressents seems to help a lil bit...but I guess they're not supposed to fully numb oneself...though at times wish that would be the case. I think everyone wants to give up at some point in their lives. Some more than others...humm I just have to find a quick way to gimme a pick-me-up. I'm attempting that right now but jammin to Dave Matthews new CD...which is oh so good. Just the way they have that smooth Jazz tied into their music makes me so happy...its totally soul groovin. A side note of it all...I'm going to be writing more music and play it at coffee shops around town and Salt Lake...I'm looking for a sweet mic and apm so I could have some effects and project my sound out and give it a good hint of lime. Peace and Love.

(Currently listening to Alligator Pie by the Dave Matthews Band)

Cup of morning Joe

Ah its cold again...cucky. Me no likey! I awoke to a chill running down my arms and legs. I guess its that time again which I am both excited for and not so much excited for. ugh well the best season ever is amongst us...fall. Love it...I can't wait to go on drives and hikes in the fall weather. Everything about it is awesome...the colors, the feeling, the clothes! I think I'm most excited about wearing scarfs...I love how if just snuggles up on your neck and gives you that warmth you can't get else where. The mornin Joe, my grandads cowboy shirt, and my philosophy book..umm can't get any better than that. I'm staring straight out over Utah lake and oh its a sight! love it... peace and love. Now back to my studies.

(Currently listening to Hurdy Gurdy Man by Donovan)

Seek up

What is it that drives us to accomplish so much, or so little in our days? Why do you get up? Why do I get up in the mornings? What mindset are we living in? Are we constantly bowing to 'The Man' in our everyday lives? I'd say most of us are. Most of us do things that we dont really want to do, but do them to feel satisfied by 'The Man'. Gettin the ol' 'Pat on the back' from our fellow colleagues is what most of us want/need. Why is that? Are we all just too scared to face life alone? Face what the world truly is? I would say that that is one of the strongest motivators that we'd have each day. To feel wanted is like being hugged by the sun on a chilly morning. We all love it and want more of it, so we bend to every which way that 'the man' demands. We, as in the community, are getting better at being who we are, but still when I walk around campus at UVU I am baffled by the amount of 'Cookie Cutters' (I like to call them) that are around here. You all know who I'm talking about too(unless you are one of them, then I'm sorry you cannot grasp what I am saying). They all go by the names of John, Jenny, Ashely, and Devin. I swear every other person you meet has that as a first or second name. (I love it when they give themselves nic names like J-Dawg of Devo) cucky, I think I just threw up a little in my mouth. Ah the perks of being a Wallflower.

I feel that oneself should be identified as an individual, so that he/she is comfortable being who he/she is around EVERYONE! It is sickening to me to see so many people here in Utah county live behind a mask. I swear if everyone went into the doctor and asked them if they had a double personality, 95% of them would be diagnosed. Everyone here judges, everyone here lacks respect, everyone here is fake. Why would I say such things? Because one...its true...two ...its true...and three...its also true. example number one; people here claim to not be from here(though you and I both know that they moved here when they were like two years old). Also, people who have done something such as rock climb once, lie and claim that they are a genuine rock climber and know oh so much about it. FAKE!! ALL FAKE!! I wish everyone would be honest and open. If that were the case there would be a whole lot less stress in peoples lives.

As for me, I think that people are scared to be themselves because of disappointment and because, God forbid they do anything wrong due to the fact that we live in a "perfect world" here in Utah County. Do I love it here? Yeah, it is beautiful...I'm happy to claim this as where I grew up most of my life and this is home. The reason why people are scared is the same reason why 19 year old kids go on missions. Everyone just goes with the flow and if there is slightest thought of denial they are damned. This is a problem, and a big one of that. No one kid should do things just because his parents or their church tells them that they should do this one thing; or live your life this one way and if you don't...well then you are damned again. I went on a LDS Mission and it was wonderful. But there were so many people out there that should not have been there. If YOU want to go and serve your church then do it for YOU not for your parents or the church but for YOURSELF. This is where there is a problem though... a 19 year old boy cannot say no to serving a mission because if he did then the gossip would start. The damn gossip that infects the LDS church here in Utah...everyone will start to wonder why this 19 year old didn't go on a mission? and he is instantly labeled as a 'Bad kid'. No way...that is messed up. No matter how much your deny it, you all know that this true. You are all blind to see that everyone has their certain values, not everyone was made to be a missionary and made to be out there "trying to find himself". There are things that we learn either way. Be who you are, don't try and be someone else due to the fact of fear.

I look around and people are holding their personal sign that STATE they are Christian...but it is just simply that, a statement. There is nothing Christlike about them. For a true Christian would be willing to not judge and be willing to face life and know there are ups and downs and they'd truly help their fellow friends and family. ugh...it sickens me to see older members of the LDS church get up early every morning and do two hours of studies in the scriptures, and pray and then treat everyone like crap, and expect 'blessings' from there God. They look down on others that aren't as holy as themselves. I could go on, but these are just a few thoughts I had for the day...The great thing is that the sun will always rise, and the light will always fall upon those places that have been so dark for sometime and a new plant will grow in that spot. People change, and people grow. That is a remarkable thing...we all change and all grow...some of us are beautiful flowers others are weeds...but we all can love and grow and become the best of what we are. We all drink water, and receive nourishment through the sun and rich soul. Don't drink your neighbors poison that he swears is water. Be cautious. Be loving...give more than you receive. Choose not to be blind...choose to live and choose to be you.

(Currently listening to Not At Home by Peter Broderick)

If I were to win an Emmy award today, and was asked who I have in my CD player at the moment...I would say Joshua James' new album, Built me This. Its a good one. Both Hannah, my love, and I have been jammin that album about four times a day within the past week. It hits home alot with me. We saw him at Valour the other day and it was an amazing show. He played the whole show on his knees. Rad I know!! But his lyrics are so passionate and are very parallel to how I view life alot. He is truly and inspiration. Anyone who makes me feel that I can do something and accomplish it, is an outstanding musician. I just wanted to add that to my words of today. If you haven't heard him GO GET THE ALBUM!! ANY OF THEM! They are amazing, both in the music and lyrics. Peace and love.


(Currently listening to Black July by Joshua James)

"Trouble weighs a Ton"

Five to six hours I have spent, daily, for the past two weeks in my studies, and have nothing to show from it. My brain is gone. Dead. I am possibly the first living organism to live a semi-normal life with zero Nero activity in the brain. I wonder if the doc could just remove it so I'd weigh 8 lbs. lighter? Hum, interesting...maybe I could become to first human balloon...fill my head with helium and watch me fly. If I did that I might get sued by Chris Angel for 'stealing' his floating trick, that...or I could just glue a truckless skateboard to the bottom of my amazing shoes and act like I am Micheal J. Fox from Back to the Future II, and hover over water so it seems that I am riding something futuristic. (little will everyone know that my trick is all in my head(literally)).

I say such things due to the outcome of my first test of the school. I might have well barfed all over the scan tron sheet and turn it into the hideous lady behind the desk. I may have come out with a better score than what I got initially. When I looked at my score, it was very easy to find...amidst the sea of 80's 90's and 100's there it was...my lovely low number...I could have seen it from thirty feet across the room. IT was screaming for everyone to look. LOOK AT ME!!!! And for some odd reason I felt as if I were chained to it, like a kid on a leash. I swear everyone stopped their test taking for a minute to turn and stare. I was hooked...no one corner in the room was dark enough for me to hide my face. So what did I do?! I gave everyone the finger and smiled at my score and walked out the door.

Am I happy with my score? No. Not at all. Can I do better? Yes. Ok that was kinda weird. I just envisioned myself as that doctor on Scrubs who never states anything. Instead, he teaches by asking questions. Just as I did just now. Question such as, "Do I think you are a retard? Yes I do" ... Anyway...Starting out in the dirt isn't too bad I'd say. Because if you never got dirty you would never notice how clean you are or could be. So I just gotta take that extra large Pick-Me-Up pill every morning and I'll be able to do better. Seriously though... this is going to kick my butt but I know how important it is. I can do it! ha..

So I'm sittin once again in the library and my right butt cheek is dead. I need a new wallet. Or just take all the crap out of it so I dont seem to have a three inch growth protruding right out of my rear. The only love that I getting right now are from my good friends Dan Auerbach, Howard Shultz(founder of Starbucks), and my sweetness of a baby Hannah. umm all those mix in one...umm so so good. May I have seconds please!?! Oh course. Ooo and a desert of some Dave Matthews would go splendid with it all.

Why can one not be praised for whom he/she is at the appropriate time? Rather then being graded, academically, by what you can regurgitate...why can't one just be interview for how they are and who they are? I feel it would give those that are left brained, more of a chance in the real world. If there was a degree in world traveling and camping and writing music...basically being myself...I'd ace it!! But I guess that is how the cookie crumbles. hum I seem to be rambling and probably making no sense but guess what?! I dont' care because this is for my own self worth and I am benefiting outta writing and letting my fingers do the walking/talking?...Its good to put your feelings into words even if it just a percent of what you feel...its still good. GOOOD!!! Any way. peace...until next time.

(Currently listening to Hurt Like Mine by The Black Keys)

In addition to the Fourth Floor Jitters

So here I sit. Same thing. Different day. I cannot run a marathon right now, to work out my RLS so I am transferring my running to my fingertips. Letting them do the work doesn't quit quench my thirst...but it'll have to do.

Two days till my first test...and ....here I sit writing. THOUGH it is totally necessary due to the fact that if I have things on my mind at times of study, I will not and cannot study. I am hoping that today's studies will suffice what I need to be that much closer to acing the BIO 1610 test. fingers crossed? Maybe?

OH my lady. Lady I am loving you now. Smiles all around these are the good ol days. Peace and love is the milk and bread of our generation and if you don't agree then you must be with The Man.

Currently listening to 'Meg White' by Ray LaMontagne

The Forth Floor Jitters

Here I sit...studying and contemplating life as we know it....well as I know it, so many different opinions I couldn't relay life into a "we" category... My leg sits here bouncing and I am filling my mind with light and knowledge that is going to make my future path apparently turn from a dusty road to a paved, then golden road. I see it...I feel it...though it hurts like hell to my knees, walking on the hardened road is "good for me".

I have made it to the level of love. I have created the sight of blind to my heart. I have filled that empty pore will goodness. This what my goals are by the end of my studies. To be full of knowledge that I turn from an everyday Joe, to an everyday Joe that KNOWS. It is interesting to see every bodies levels of knowledge. Its great to see so many different points of view to many different issues relating to politics, religion, love, hope, and intelligence. To see someone argue the truth is like talking to an apple and telling him he/she should taste like a plum. The apple had a starting point and a direction of growth and can't comprehend the taste of a plum or and orange or what not. Its interesting to see views and contemplate them....not necessarily to convert oneself to being that apple of orange...but solely VIEW. The massive achieves of life are endless and the knowledge is never ending. Love it... I love it.

These are just some of my thoughts that have gone through my head within the last day or so...though till now they were never apparent for discussion or any place to put into words. I fill good and I feel my voice is heard through my eyes and fingers. How high will you go to see the world? What are you doing to enlighten your mind to knowledge and comprehension? So many good teachers out there that don't even have names yet...you are that teacher...we teach each other...we are we. Love it and leave it...or take with...be you. Be us. Remove blinders and see. Coexist.

(Currently listening to, 'He Doesn't Know Why' by the Fleet Foxes)