Unexpected change of heart

Have you ever experienced a moment in your life when you know that your following steps from then on will be the best steps towards a happier life? I believe that I experienced that yesterday. A moment that you feel that everything has lead you to connect with that one singular person and give each other the chance to blossom one another’s soul. I don’t know what it is, but I feel that I want to protect and defend her and her family from anything bad that could happen. Do I feel this way with other people? No. Why do I feel it with her? I’m not sure but I’m not fighting the feelings of not being a father or not being married or not anchoring down. These are all welcome in my mind with her. Red Flags. I see none. We’ve both been through shit. We’ve both made our mistakes and we both may make more mistakes, but I would like to make those and overcome them together with her. Does she feel the same way that I do? Very unsure about that fact. Why do I feel the way I do after one singular date? It’s weird that I feel it but something in me says we’re very compatible. We went to high school together but she was always too cool for folks like myself, haha. JK but she was “the hot chick” of our class that had all the guys after her. She’s amazing. Her smile shines. Her soul shines brighter. Her foundation seems well rooted. Is she real? Is this momentary? How do I move past these initial steps and not scare her away? The only things that comes to mind is Honesty. Be up front with her will all aspects of my life. Be open to opportunities. Be open to rejections. Be vulnerable. I mean, she’s lead me to write again for Gods sake, that hasn’t happened in years. Her eyes lead me to happiness and she has an aura about her that I want to be apart of. She is drop dead beautiful and I would fight for her till the end of my day. She is someone that I would flip my life for. These are huge statements but they’re easily stated after getting to know her more. She’s smart and beyond sexy. Don’t fuck this up DJ. Don’t fuck it up. These feelings aren’t made up or set on cue. These are real. Don’t fuck it up. Currently listening to Seventeen - by Sharon Van Etten

Colors we mix

Blank canvas is where we all begin. How we create the masterpiece we call our own and claim to be our life. Moving forward is merely picking up that brush, dipping it in paint and transferring that paint from brush to blank areas or painting over previous brush strokes. It is interesting to look around and see others choice of colors and choice of angles and lines and to see the emotions expressed. Some masterpieces are focused only at the bottom of their canvas', using slight movements and brushing over the same spots they've painted since the beginning, also only using dark colors that mesh together into a dark, elusive blob. If you look hard enough you can tell there were moments they had added bright colors, some pure whites, some bright yellows, but those didn't last, they were painted over by those heavy dark tones. The light colors peek through the brush strokes screaming with arms stretched forth as if they were drowning in the sea of darkness. A part of me wants to throw a life saver out to the pleading bright moments in the painting, pick up a bucket of yellow and splatter it all over the dark emotionless black sea, hopefully giving them a second chance.

See its easy for me to pick out corrections in other peoples paintings, but when I look back to mine it seems like I haven't even started. The colors don't mix together, and it is very random and no fluidity. I don't know what to paint, what to make of MY masterpiece. My brush is constantly moving, not always rich with colors but I know if I stop I wont be successful in what I want out of it. I look around again and it is flabbergasting to me how people already knew from the beginning what was going to come out of their painting. Every bodies paintings look amazing, a lot of detail and love. When I look back to my canvas I see too many possibilities, too many things I would LOVE to paint, but I can only choose one...I mean, I do only have one canvas. I need to find out what to paint quickly, I need to find it, time is running out... to give up isn't an option. I'm loving the mustard yellow that I've perfected over the past 27 years, makes me smile. I will most defiantly use that in what will come out of MY masterpiece... I think I'll start with that. That sounds like a good starting point.

(Currently listening to Dear God 2.0 by The Roots featuring Monsters of Folk)

Ones heart exposed

Its pretty interesting how evolution has taken its toll on this world, and how we are prone to evolve ourselves to become the person we need to be. Events will happen time and time again, if they be dampeners or just merely work for your benefit. Interesting to see yourself unfold to your true self, or at least what you perceive yourself as. The beauty of it all is to see change. Our lives are beautiful and there is an on going reel of life projected in the highest definition possible. Even in the 'ugly' there is found 'beauty'.

I've heard it before but during such events that rattle you to your core, what proves progress is what we do from that point. Will we allow that to break us down and deface who we are; or are we going to allow that to break us down so we can grow and strengthen ourselves? This is where your true self will be on the table and judged. This is where you'll know what you are really worth, and how you perceive yourself. Make sure your head is held high, and make sure you don't drop yourself. Growth is what is good. Growth is possible even in the unhealthiest of environments. Keep your head up, because I am.

(Currently listening to England by The National)

Do you realize?!

One of my many favorites when it comes to creators of music, and experimentalists are these guys; both The Flaming Lips as well as Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros. These guys have a very acute level of expression, but the minute you do tap into that you are blown away by the messages that they are portraying and how wonderful and simple it is.

This video is one of my favorites that they did before one of their shows in LA. They came and set up in a graveyard looking to play the one song, 'Do you Realize?' and those who heard the music and were just walking by were their audience. So cool, and along what Wayne says their message is, I feel it deeper then what he could express at that moment. I feel they set up and playing in a graveyard wanting passers by to stop and listen and forget about their anxiety and stress that they have that day and remember it is important to enjoy life and your happiness at all times before it is too late you are set underground like the thousands that were there present, yet not. I feel this was a main point that he had just verbally touched while there. Love em, and love their complete different path that is not mainstream in anyway. Love it!

Toss it in the trash and lets start a new one

Total overhaul on its way into my life as I know it. Someone once said that the definition of Insanity is constantly doing the same thing over and over expecting new results. Feels like this is what I may have been experiencing over the past few months and seeing very few results. I need to break out of it all and become a very different, more experienced 27 year old and get going on my career. 'Add weight to it', as a wise man once put it, in describing my progression in my career. Where am I going to be going with all of my progression you may ask? I dont fully know, but I do know where I have interests and what I need to do to get to that point of succeeding in those. There are a number of must do's for all of this to happen.

First of all, I am extremely dampened in life by the debt I owe. Need to eliminate this completely to progress and give me more options in life. This will happen in the first month of this year. If I am scraping for food, gas, entertainment, so be it...this needs to be gonzo for good. So step one is in progress. Step two, getting those interests in career to come to light...learn, get dirty, move forward, as long as I am moving forward and not stationary this is what I am pushing for. Third, have my own place again, buy my personal freedom and make sure that is well established and a sacred place for my progression and love for life. Make sure that this place is where I can re-energize and every day leaving that place feel as if a canon has shot me out to kill my target that day and make sure it happens even in the most minuet way. Done. Be financially stable, mentally and physically healthy, and maintain a constant happiness that will not only effect my progression but hopefully make those with whom I associate feel better about themselves.

An additional personal strive is also to break out of my personal bubble of being comfortable...obviously it hasn't gotten me to where I want to be, so I got to do one thing a day that scares me, I relate that to one thing that requires me to step out of my bubble. I have done this pretty constantly through out the past few months, and it is getting better. By doing this I believe life will provide me with new opportunities and new options in a career base. Done! Try it yourself... I believe if you feel its scary and interesting...it'll be good for you, let alone for the experience. Explore the unknown, and be uncomfortable. Keep living on the edge, not so much as Steven Tyler explains one should, but do it in a progressing level. I believe it'll help. Lets see this happen. Make yer life an experiment. Give it a go. Keep well, Love and Peace

(Currently listening to Blacked Eye Pea by Galactic)

At times, Puzzle pieces do fall in place

As the year comes to a close I cant help but look back and see what the highlights were that happen throughout 2011. It was a truly a growing year for me, I was able to redirect my life, build more of a solid foundation and all the while growing and establishing new friendships. There have been a few very crucial individuals that have emotionally struck me deep and have accepted me in and we've had nothing but love and good times ever since. A huge part of my growth has come from mirroring what I've learned over time off of them, and it has done nothing but help me grow, and establish the man I am as well as becoming. I am very much pleased with the way this year has turned out, exiting this year I see good time as well as bad time, and situations that could have been better, but all-in-all 2011's cup was definitely half full.

I loved and appreciated every minute of every month that I had. I feel the most influential soundtrack to this year was my new love for the band, The National. I have a huge appreciation for many musicians and groups and those haven't diminished in the slightest, but I would say my soul was definitely lifted by lead vocalist, Matt Berninger and the music created by The National. When you first listen to a song it's as if you were seated your whole life in a stuffed up room and for the first time you leave, you exit with much angst and the second you throw open that door you're engulfed with fresh, crisp air that swirls around you, heals your soul, lifts your spirit and takes your level of consciousness to a whole other high yet to have experience. If you've never listened to a song, listen to the song below, put some good sounding headphones on, turn it up and let the music move you.

The National took me by surprise, truth be told. I would have never anticipated that they would have effected me in the way they have this year. I very am excited to see them live for the first time, and have a sing-a-long to their songs with a crowd over thirty-thousand. All in good time. Musicians and music fit in the appropriate times in our lives that help and boost us to a new level of subconsciousness. The National and my new friendships in 2011 were what was needed for me and my growth. I am back in control of my life in every aspect, 2012 is going to be epic, that'll be the year that I break into a full-stride sprint and accomplish the most for my life to come. I can see it as well as smell it, and I am excited! Peace and love!



(Currently listening to Fake Empire by The National, go figure)

Monotony, the silent killer.

"I've made alot of mistakes, I've made alot of mistakes" -Sufjan Stevens A true statement for every one of us, but if we choose to dwell and live within this statement that is where we will find ourselves slipping into depression, and unwanted thought patterns and misunderstanding ones life in general. I know its easier said than done, but if we make those mistakes our strengths then all thats left is growth. Much like how ones muscle is after stretching and working out. If we choose to not continue with working out we will be stuck in a sore unwanted state of our body. We need to tear those muscles and let them grow and rebuild and do it over and over until we find growth from our weakness' and then by looking back seeing the pain and suffering we actually see the path our our growth. This is something that I have come to realized slowly over time, sadly over years of stagnate living and waiting for the world to give me the time of day.

If we are wanting to be noticed, if we are wanting something more than what we have right at this moment, we need to put forth the energy and express gratitude and love to those around us, and ironically we receive it back. If you want someone to express interest in you, don't sit on your hands hoping, do something about it. Smile, compliment, love, by doing these things we are moving about and putting the energy out to the world and one day if it be instantly or later you will receive that energy back. "The energy that we have have is just borrowed from the earth, and one day we give it back" -Avatar reference.

I have recently seen a lagging and monotonous living in my life over the past month. Possible from my recent breakup? I see that as a possibility, but I am needing a much needed lift and have been working on that. I start with a smile, smiles are contagious and if we show our love to others and the world we get it back, and we will grow and feel at ease. Rid yourself of hate, sometimes logic just needs to be tossed aside...move outta your stagnate life, try something new. Break out of monotony! If we dont try anything new, we will forever be living in our parents basement. Peace and love. keep well

(Currently listening to I Don't Feel it Anymore by William Fitzsimmons)

Lastest in picture

As of recent

Listening to Godless Brother In Love by Iron & Wine

All good things

There are few but many things that bring a smile to my face. Creating new things would be one of those, either by laying letters down in an orderly fashion or strumming those correct chords to make the air dance with love and sunshine. Hearing this make me smile too, when one can bring so many differen sounds and blend them up into one sound that ties in and out of itself. Creates what we drive into our minds time and time again. We enjoy these sounds, we enjoy how it makes us feel and especially the occational goosebumps, that is when you know it is really good. I commend all that have the ability to make such sounds...this is something that I am still working at perfecting.

I would feel that one of the main contributors to ones strive in creating music is one of two feelings; Love and Hate. Happiness and sadness... These are feelings that we express and that we feel through music that weaves so mystically through the air... Even from a n outdoor concert located miles and miles away after hear brief tones will bring a crack of a smile. We need to continue this beauty, these rays of sun for our eardrums. Peace, love, happiness and music.

(currently listening to Hideaway by The Weepies)

A new day

What I wouldn't give for a tall cold Pale Ale right about now... just have a hankerin for it and the idea of it makes me calm and smile... Mood stabilizers. Mood alternators. ...Happiness. Feel me turn a frown to a crooked smile that heals the earths pain. The light that comes from a smile can sooth a hundred crys. Lets us smile. Let us live. Let us laugh. Live, love, laugh? These tree L's a great but how about turning those three L's to these ones.... Laugh, laugh, laugh. For you already know you are living, and where there is laughter there is most certainly love. A friend once told me that laughter cures cancer. If you worry too much you'll die.

Don't hold it in. Let it out. Welcome each new day with laughter, for a new day is starting every minute somewhere in the world, let us celebrate that here now.

The spokes missing tooth

The light is still at rest and yet the digital sunrise has awoken me. I see nothing but darkness. I push hard down on a switch and my eyes quickly adjust to the mornings darkness. This is not me. I do not want to move. I'll let the thousands of duck feathers weigh me down for one more minute..maybe two. I exhale and damn that digital rooster with my thoughts. Quick, as if I tore a band aid off a recently dried wound, I sit up and feel my blood crash inside me as an ocean surf smashes against rocks on the coast. I have a moment of disorientation followed by the daily checklist that slaps me in the face. I don't want to do any of these. I would rip up that list if I could actually grab hold of it, but there it sits in an unreachable place. My pillow starts to laugh, taunting me that he can dispose of my list for me but I viciously shake my head no and stand on the side of my temporary coffin that held me for just a few hours that night before. My feet begin to tingle and I imagine little armies trying to defend their piece of carpet and stabbing the sole of my feet with tiny spears. Unhappily, I giggle. Almost forced by a nothing. I catch my self with a new stance as I feel myself falling towards my right, and I turn that fall into a directional walk to the bathroom.

My eyes flip off the 8 Audrey Hepburn bulbs that burn with such disdain and happiness above my bathroom mirror. If only I can get to the shower, turn the temperature to boiling, and lay down in the tub I may just find a moment of goodness in this beginning. Ahh there it is, the water melts my skin and it turns a bright pink color. The bloods got to be flowing fairly well in my veins by now. What is that piercing shot of cold air hitting the back of my neck?! The curtain isn't fully closed and I slap it as if it had offended me with something it had said.
Where am I?
Why does my back and ass feel numb?
Oh...I fell asleep in the shower again.
When did my pillow slip me his evil roofies?
I sit up, shut off the shower, shove aside the unfaithful curtain and reach for my towel. A flash flood of water drains off my body and forms a growing lake of scalding water on the sides of my feet. Those tiny armies don't stand a chance here in my bathroom, they know better.
Fast forward ten minutes.
I look at myself in the mirror and those bulbs can still go to hell. I see me, but I feel like a dead corpse. Nothing can awake my sleeping innards. My eyes are not my eyes. You know how zombies have those white eyes? Ya that is me yet somehow someone switched em with those distastefully blue ones. humm...maybe if I did MJ's Thriller right now I may, just may, resemble one of his awesome zombie dancers. Nah. Wake up. Feel the flow of blood.
I slap myself.
Nothing.
I open both my mouth and eyes really wide and make a grunting sound.
Nothing.
I do my daily macheraina; keys, wallet, phone, good...and I head towards the car.
Brain fart.
Where am I going?!
Oh ya...work
I should have listened to my pillow...

I'm in a cup. Where are you?

Writing. Reading. Writing. Losing. Crying. Disgust. Dying.
I find myself everyday different, yet satisfying in a strange sense of it. I find myself in the most random places and its pretty f*ckin awesome. While listening to a song that used to be played in the background of a party during high school, or reading a book that seems to have been written just for me. I find my smile in peoples laughs, and their smiles. How have I gotten here? Is this where I have been hiding while my vacant body wanders my monotonous life? It feels great to find these pieces, makes me lighten up, makes me want more. I found another piece of me in a glass of freshly pressed apple juice, and I was delicious. So cold, yet so tasty. I found another inner me while watching a movie upside-down on a green leafed couch, my smile resembled much a frown...I guess it depends on your perspective of it. Little pieces come back through every time I pop a joint in my hand, but it is strange that as quickly as I come together with all of these pieces that I find of myself they fall away that much faster. I am needed to speed up my pace of living and finding. The energy cycles hella fast through my blood these days... looks like I gotta keep to it, gotta keep meeting people, living life. Drinking the air, feeling the hardness of it all......life

Feel it I know you want too. Find it you will if you only allow it. Be you in the sense of sense. You never know who you are unless you let your guard down. I feel like we tend to be too involved in who we would like to be and yet we have NEVER stopped to smell the roses. I like finding bits of me hidden everywhere in random things and people, on the lips of a woman, being able to feel the goosebumps that you sense in the next year to come. Smiley face. Frowny face. They are both the same if you view them with the right mindset and perspective.

Runnin for light

On a warm summer day do you ever find yourself laying on a blanket basking in the sunlight and after you feel comfortable and doze off once or twice you realize that you're in the shade? Well I do and I feel that way now, living in Seattle is a a beautiful experience and a magical one of that. There are many cold spots here as there are else where, but being that I am here I'm related to dark spots here...capish?! ha.. So there you be chillin in life as you know it, and then all of the sudden BAM!! You feel that cold. If really comes from no where and I guess its not a sudden reckoning of the sort, but more of a instant realization that you are say ten to fifteen degrees colder. Kinda like that whole frog in a boiling pot of water analogy. I am currently wearing flip flops on a rainy day and people are looking at me like I am crazy! but hey..that is what I found comfy first thing this morning so that is what they get...no fashionista here today my friend. Anyways back to what I was saying about the cold spots. I just realized it on this past Sunday and went to an older gentleman much like my father and asked for advice...advice that changed my current temperature from cold to warmer...it was good and it felt good. Made me smile for that day. May we all continue on smiling throughout our days. Peace and Love

Just goof'n around

Lovin today...its a good one. Now just kickin it at home soaking it all in...breathing...and most importantly...smilin. Love it. There are so many changes going on in my families life...its pretty sad and rad at the same time. My sisters are havin bebes and loven dem...my other sister is coming home from a year and a half stay from the Philippines. She was a representative for the Latter-day Saints church. She's going to sound so awesome with her accent she picked up there. Also my only blood brother is moving away to Florida...sadness. I am going to miss him much...just gotta get my butt up to Salt Lake and spend a couple of days with him before he peaces out on us. Love ya bro. The only thing to do now is to wait till I move onto another job. Desperately looking around for anything that will pay me an assistant to a managers pay...want it? or need it? BOTH!! 'Gotta have it!' Just like the Cold Stone size... that made me giggle a bit...there are a lot of people that I love and a lot more that I would love to love more! ha! I went skating with my roomies today...we first went over to UVU and quickly got bored...so we went over to the skate park where I made a big fool of myself, seeing that I haven't gone skating for over eight years...I could barely jump let alone skate around... so I just ended up sitting around watching everyone until the time came to peace out. It was fun though...not to bad for killing a couple hours. That be all for now... peace and love people.

(Currently listening to Everyday by Dave Matthews Band)

-

There is a huge lack of friends in my life. I'm not blaming anyone or everyone for this problem...I blame only myself. I blame myself for keeping my mouth closed and not interacting with people like normal folks would do. I tend to listen...I tend to try and feel things out, rather than just saying 'fuck it, I'm going to be me to be me.' This is a problem, a problem of which I need to change and need to perfect(to the best of my ability at least). As a result to having this lack of friends I am here to talk. Here to feel out my life and re-think things and see who I really am. Ya know, things you'd usually share or vent about with a friend over a beer or a random phone call, those kinda things. I'm not saying I have absolutely no friends, because I do...but the depths of those friendship are just not there. There is one friend of mine that I feel that with...but our current standing with each other is not the greatest...maybe someday...but for now I have you Bloggy Blog... Thanks for bein there for me.

Its funny when you think that you are workin on parts of your life, you actually feel like it is getting better...but everyones view of progression is set at their own speed... Its crazy weird. Welcome to random thoughts of DJs brain. You know what else I am thinking?! Why the hell are my toes so cold is such a warm room? Why do people love? Why do mice love peanut butter? humm....everyday thoughts I guess. I wish I could just talk to my friends. Wish they could give me like just five minutes too listen to me. Reach out. care. There are so many things I could say...share...be. humm...I dont think I want to share anymore. So for now I think that this is it. Thanks blog...

(Currently listening to Ants Marching by Dave Matthews Band)

Full Moons are reflected from the Sun Soul

To give one your hand and to feel her ever so touch your face, is something less than a miracle in my eyes. I could feel lost in the traffic jams of my life, and inpatient at those stop lights from hell, but all those daily frustrations are eased by my angel who walks with me. When I am not even around her, I feel her energy. I feel the thoughts. I see the heart beats. And what do I do? I smile and no matter where I am...I know things are possible and that I am home. Even if I had no home...she is home. We are love. I wake to the sun shining in my blinds...and instead of closing them tighter...I open them with love. I see her in the sun, and I feel her in its rays. Will you warm my heart, as you warm my skin? I know you will...I know you have it in you. I can feel it, and I can feel you wanting. We both want it. I know you will feel secure as you warm my soul. The solid foundation will become more secure as you become more trusting and loving.

I look out now and see half a moon. Half a beautiful moon that is reflecting the suns light to those who cannot enjoy the sun at this time. I am the moon, and you are my sun. Together we can reach most people. Together...we are complete.

I am happy right now. Not for where the road might lead, or from where I have come. I am happy for my position for now, for today. I am breathing. I am here. I feel. I know that you feel, that you know. That you can see and smile. These things make me happy. The little things are my favorite. Why do I find so much joy in these things?! I feel as if I am still a 4 year old DJ who loves the feel of a rough rock, or the taste of snow and the feeling it makes on my tongue. I'm a 4 year old in a 26 year old body and damn proud of it. Who wants to blow some bubbles with me?! I am happy for who I am, and feel solid for who I've become and where I am going. My smile grows larger everyday I feel the sun. She is. One Love.

(Currently listening to A Slow Parade by A.A. Bondy)

the rasp from her voice might heal

I have surrounded myself with plants. Friends with no voices. They give me each breath I breathe in my sleep and during my time at home. They are my family. The thing they don't notice is that life is slowly seeping out of me, like sap from an aspen. There seems to be no healing of it. Maybe I just need to breath closer to my plants to speed up my intake to overcompensate the loss of life. Mother Earth makes me happy with what she provides to me. I am in love with the life she bears, but it doesn't seem to heal the hole in my soul. I will just learn to deal with it like I have been for the past 26 years of my life.

Breathe me, be me, hold me, show me, touch me, kiss me. These are daily hopes and dreams. Love me now for me. Love me then for nothing. I am the mud slipping between your fingers. I am unable to be held by anyone. But try. I beg you. Want some gum?

(Currently listening to The Long Day Is Over by Norah Jones)

Scared the poop outta me!

So about two weeks ago my roommates and I have noticed these two cats hanging around our trash can...One is a bigger, fuzzy, black cat with very pretty eyes, and the other is brownish with stripes. They are very afraid of us, which makes me kinda sad, but they have probably been abused so they have that entitlement. Anyway, my mom bought a big bag of dry cat food for one dollar and gave it to me, which I was very appreciative for.

So when I got home today I was unloading my groceries and saw the cat food, so I quickly opened it and when out to the backside of our trashcan where these cats sleep and eat. Mind you that our wonderful green trashcan now has a giant hole and crack on the backside thanks to the tender love and care given by our wonderful trash men. Anyways, so I was dumping the cat food in the empty tuna can we had back there and next thing I knew there was a HUGE sound right by my side like thunder and then out of the corner of my eye I saw a black figure dart past me which sent me instantly to my feet, cat food flying everywhere, and me falling back against our garage door, arms way out in hopes something will support my stagger. After the hairs on my arms laid back down and my heart started to slow again...I saw in our yard those two very same eyes...it was that black cat that scared the poop out of me. I was just glad to know it was the cat and not something else. So I crouched back down next to the garbage and hole where the cat came out of and finished pouring cat food into the tuna can. My scare for a life time was today. I hope it never happens again. I later put out a big bowl of milk and some shrimp for them. I'm a sucker I guess, but it makes me feel good. Smiles ladies and gents....smiles.

(Currently listening to Best of What's Around(album; Complete Weekend at Red Rocks) by Dave Matthews Band)

My own personal photoshoot