the rasp from her voice might heal

I have surrounded myself with plants. Friends with no voices. They give me each breath I breathe in my sleep and during my time at home. They are my family. The thing they don't notice is that life is slowly seeping out of me, like sap from an aspen. There seems to be no healing of it. Maybe I just need to breath closer to my plants to speed up my intake to overcompensate the loss of life. Mother Earth makes me happy with what she provides to me. I am in love with the life she bears, but it doesn't seem to heal the hole in my soul. I will just learn to deal with it like I have been for the past 26 years of my life.

Breathe me, be me, hold me, show me, touch me, kiss me. These are daily hopes and dreams. Love me now for me. Love me then for nothing. I am the mud slipping between your fingers. I am unable to be held by anyone. But try. I beg you. Want some gum?

(Currently listening to The Long Day Is Over by Norah Jones)

Scared the poop outta me!

So about two weeks ago my roommates and I have noticed these two cats hanging around our trash can...One is a bigger, fuzzy, black cat with very pretty eyes, and the other is brownish with stripes. They are very afraid of us, which makes me kinda sad, but they have probably been abused so they have that entitlement. Anyway, my mom bought a big bag of dry cat food for one dollar and gave it to me, which I was very appreciative for.

So when I got home today I was unloading my groceries and saw the cat food, so I quickly opened it and when out to the backside of our trashcan where these cats sleep and eat. Mind you that our wonderful green trashcan now has a giant hole and crack on the backside thanks to the tender love and care given by our wonderful trash men. Anyways, so I was dumping the cat food in the empty tuna can we had back there and next thing I knew there was a HUGE sound right by my side like thunder and then out of the corner of my eye I saw a black figure dart past me which sent me instantly to my feet, cat food flying everywhere, and me falling back against our garage door, arms way out in hopes something will support my stagger. After the hairs on my arms laid back down and my heart started to slow again...I saw in our yard those two very same eyes...it was that black cat that scared the poop out of me. I was just glad to know it was the cat and not something else. So I crouched back down next to the garbage and hole where the cat came out of and finished pouring cat food into the tuna can. My scare for a life time was today. I hope it never happens again. I later put out a big bowl of milk and some shrimp for them. I'm a sucker I guess, but it makes me feel good. Smiles ladies and gents....smiles.

(Currently listening to Best of What's Around(album; Complete Weekend at Red Rocks) by Dave Matthews Band)

My own personal photoshoot

Earth I am, light is a smile

I have transformed my room into a jungle, a place of peace and life. This is a place where I know that I am one. This is happiness, this is peace. I looking at my laughing Buddhas and I don't think I've ever seen them smile as big as they are now. That makes me happy. That raises the sun to my soul. Sure things are lonely in life and I seem to be nowhere, but I am somewhere. Somewhere between sunrise and noon. This is a place that time freezes and I exist. This is a place I can jam out on my guitar with my shades pulled high and the window open and I can scream my inner dialog out to the world in such notes that sooth the soul. I can feel the cool breeze and it makes my skin rise up. Goosebumps is the sensation of the moment, and it feels good.

I can breathe. Through all the pollution and cigarette smoke, I smell life. I seem to have temporarily broken my seal of depression, and want nothing but sun in my life. I don't seem to want to tighten the blinds more and more so less and less sun can enter in. I can feel it. Can you? If you can't ...try. If I can do it, you can too. Even if it is for five seconds, do it for those five seconds. Make a smile creep onto your lips. For nothing more than a second. Come on, I dare you. I know I wont always feel the way I do now...maybe I'll wake up tomorrow morning and decide to nail an inch thick board in front of my window and seal the cracks of light out with cock. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. All I know is that right now...at this very moment. I feel like me. I feel the blood flowing through my body...and I like it. Peace and love ladies and gentlemen, peace and love.

(Currently listening to When You Thought You'd Never Stand Out by Copeland)

Another untitled piece

So here I sit in pain in my new apartment. You'd think everything would be amazingly great...having new roommates and everything....but its not always the case. I think it probably because I'm bi-polar...That is what I conclude at least. My days are so up and down...its crazy. School starts tomorrow though...yay for distractions from life! Right now life is a big gaping hole in my heart. ugh makes me wanna throw up. In fact, I think I just may... Why are things difficult? Why can we not always have things go our way?! It just doesn't seem fair most of the time, but I guess that is how life goes. Things are never fair...especially when it comes to me. Life can never be fair to me. Its just its rule of thumb. DJ+reason= and unfair outcome. Things will turn better though I guess...Cat Stevens is doing a hell of a job at closing up this gaping hole. Though ever song that mentions, "she", or "girl" always reminds me of Hannah...and how frustrating is it to me that I listen to so much music and she following my mind into every damn song. ugh...I just need to fully, mentally, move on...need to find new distractions to where my mind can occupy space. I need not to think about her, for that is to death of me for sure. ugh. I think I just need more friends to take me away from this world of sadness. Thank God school is starting tomorrow and new friends might be in my future. Change is good right? right?! That's what I've heard at least. we'll see. peace and love brothers....peace and love.

(Currently listening to I Have A Thing About Seeing My Grandson Grow Old by Cat Stevens)