Unexpected change of heart

Have you ever experienced a moment in your life when you know that your following steps from then on will be the best steps towards a happier life? I believe that I experienced that yesterday. A moment that you feel that everything has lead you to connect with that one singular person and give each other the chance to blossom one another’s soul. I don’t know what it is, but I feel that I want to protect and defend her and her family from anything bad that could happen. Do I feel this way with other people? No. Why do I feel it with her? I’m not sure but I’m not fighting the feelings of not being a father or not being married or not anchoring down. These are all welcome in my mind with her. Red Flags. I see none. We’ve both been through shit. We’ve both made our mistakes and we both may make more mistakes, but I would like to make those and overcome them together with her. Does she feel the same way that I do? Very unsure about that fact. Why do I feel the way I do after one singular date? It’s weird that I feel it but something in me says we’re very compatible. We went to high school together but she was always too cool for folks like myself, haha. JK but she was “the hot chick” of our class that had all the guys after her. She’s amazing. Her smile shines. Her soul shines brighter. Her foundation seems well rooted. Is she real? Is this momentary? How do I move past these initial steps and not scare her away? The only things that comes to mind is Honesty. Be up front with her will all aspects of my life. Be open to opportunities. Be open to rejections. Be vulnerable. I mean, she’s lead me to write again for Gods sake, that hasn’t happened in years. Her eyes lead me to happiness and she has an aura about her that I want to be apart of. She is drop dead beautiful and I would fight for her till the end of my day. She is someone that I would flip my life for. These are huge statements but they’re easily stated after getting to know her more. She’s smart and beyond sexy. Don’t fuck this up DJ. Don’t fuck it up. These feelings aren’t made up or set on cue. These are real. Don’t fuck it up. Currently listening to Seventeen - by Sharon Van Etten

Colors we mix

Blank canvas is where we all begin. How we create the masterpiece we call our own and claim to be our life. Moving forward is merely picking up that brush, dipping it in paint and transferring that paint from brush to blank areas or painting over previous brush strokes. It is interesting to look around and see others choice of colors and choice of angles and lines and to see the emotions expressed. Some masterpieces are focused only at the bottom of their canvas', using slight movements and brushing over the same spots they've painted since the beginning, also only using dark colors that mesh together into a dark, elusive blob. If you look hard enough you can tell there were moments they had added bright colors, some pure whites, some bright yellows, but those didn't last, they were painted over by those heavy dark tones. The light colors peek through the brush strokes screaming with arms stretched forth as if they were drowning in the sea of darkness. A part of me wants to throw a life saver out to the pleading bright moments in the painting, pick up a bucket of yellow and splatter it all over the dark emotionless black sea, hopefully giving them a second chance.

See its easy for me to pick out corrections in other peoples paintings, but when I look back to mine it seems like I haven't even started. The colors don't mix together, and it is very random and no fluidity. I don't know what to paint, what to make of MY masterpiece. My brush is constantly moving, not always rich with colors but I know if I stop I wont be successful in what I want out of it. I look around again and it is flabbergasting to me how people already knew from the beginning what was going to come out of their painting. Every bodies paintings look amazing, a lot of detail and love. When I look back to my canvas I see too many possibilities, too many things I would LOVE to paint, but I can only choose one...I mean, I do only have one canvas. I need to find out what to paint quickly, I need to find it, time is running out... to give up isn't an option. I'm loving the mustard yellow that I've perfected over the past 27 years, makes me smile. I will most defiantly use that in what will come out of MY masterpiece... I think I'll start with that. That sounds like a good starting point.

(Currently listening to Dear God 2.0 by The Roots featuring Monsters of Folk)

Ones heart exposed

Its pretty interesting how evolution has taken its toll on this world, and how we are prone to evolve ourselves to become the person we need to be. Events will happen time and time again, if they be dampeners or just merely work for your benefit. Interesting to see yourself unfold to your true self, or at least what you perceive yourself as. The beauty of it all is to see change. Our lives are beautiful and there is an on going reel of life projected in the highest definition possible. Even in the 'ugly' there is found 'beauty'.

I've heard it before but during such events that rattle you to your core, what proves progress is what we do from that point. Will we allow that to break us down and deface who we are; or are we going to allow that to break us down so we can grow and strengthen ourselves? This is where your true self will be on the table and judged. This is where you'll know what you are really worth, and how you perceive yourself. Make sure your head is held high, and make sure you don't drop yourself. Growth is what is good. Growth is possible even in the unhealthiest of environments. Keep your head up, because I am.

(Currently listening to England by The National)

Do you realize?!

One of my many favorites when it comes to creators of music, and experimentalists are these guys; both The Flaming Lips as well as Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros. These guys have a very acute level of expression, but the minute you do tap into that you are blown away by the messages that they are portraying and how wonderful and simple it is.

This video is one of my favorites that they did before one of their shows in LA. They came and set up in a graveyard looking to play the one song, 'Do you Realize?' and those who heard the music and were just walking by were their audience. So cool, and along what Wayne says their message is, I feel it deeper then what he could express at that moment. I feel they set up and playing in a graveyard wanting passers by to stop and listen and forget about their anxiety and stress that they have that day and remember it is important to enjoy life and your happiness at all times before it is too late you are set underground like the thousands that were there present, yet not. I feel this was a main point that he had just verbally touched while there. Love em, and love their complete different path that is not mainstream in anyway. Love it!

Toss it in the trash and lets start a new one

Total overhaul on its way into my life as I know it. Someone once said that the definition of Insanity is constantly doing the same thing over and over expecting new results. Feels like this is what I may have been experiencing over the past few months and seeing very few results. I need to break out of it all and become a very different, more experienced 27 year old and get going on my career. 'Add weight to it', as a wise man once put it, in describing my progression in my career. Where am I going to be going with all of my progression you may ask? I dont fully know, but I do know where I have interests and what I need to do to get to that point of succeeding in those. There are a number of must do's for all of this to happen.

First of all, I am extremely dampened in life by the debt I owe. Need to eliminate this completely to progress and give me more options in life. This will happen in the first month of this year. If I am scraping for food, gas, entertainment, so be it...this needs to be gonzo for good. So step one is in progress. Step two, getting those interests in career to come to light...learn, get dirty, move forward, as long as I am moving forward and not stationary this is what I am pushing for. Third, have my own place again, buy my personal freedom and make sure that is well established and a sacred place for my progression and love for life. Make sure that this place is where I can re-energize and every day leaving that place feel as if a canon has shot me out to kill my target that day and make sure it happens even in the most minuet way. Done. Be financially stable, mentally and physically healthy, and maintain a constant happiness that will not only effect my progression but hopefully make those with whom I associate feel better about themselves.

An additional personal strive is also to break out of my personal bubble of being comfortable...obviously it hasn't gotten me to where I want to be, so I got to do one thing a day that scares me, I relate that to one thing that requires me to step out of my bubble. I have done this pretty constantly through out the past few months, and it is getting better. By doing this I believe life will provide me with new opportunities and new options in a career base. Done! Try it yourself... I believe if you feel its scary and interesting...it'll be good for you, let alone for the experience. Explore the unknown, and be uncomfortable. Keep living on the edge, not so much as Steven Tyler explains one should, but do it in a progressing level. I believe it'll help. Lets see this happen. Make yer life an experiment. Give it a go. Keep well, Love and Peace

(Currently listening to Blacked Eye Pea by Galactic)

At times, Puzzle pieces do fall in place

As the year comes to a close I cant help but look back and see what the highlights were that happen throughout 2011. It was a truly a growing year for me, I was able to redirect my life, build more of a solid foundation and all the while growing and establishing new friendships. There have been a few very crucial individuals that have emotionally struck me deep and have accepted me in and we've had nothing but love and good times ever since. A huge part of my growth has come from mirroring what I've learned over time off of them, and it has done nothing but help me grow, and establish the man I am as well as becoming. I am very much pleased with the way this year has turned out, exiting this year I see good time as well as bad time, and situations that could have been better, but all-in-all 2011's cup was definitely half full.

I loved and appreciated every minute of every month that I had. I feel the most influential soundtrack to this year was my new love for the band, The National. I have a huge appreciation for many musicians and groups and those haven't diminished in the slightest, but I would say my soul was definitely lifted by lead vocalist, Matt Berninger and the music created by The National. When you first listen to a song it's as if you were seated your whole life in a stuffed up room and for the first time you leave, you exit with much angst and the second you throw open that door you're engulfed with fresh, crisp air that swirls around you, heals your soul, lifts your spirit and takes your level of consciousness to a whole other high yet to have experience. If you've never listened to a song, listen to the song below, put some good sounding headphones on, turn it up and let the music move you.

The National took me by surprise, truth be told. I would have never anticipated that they would have effected me in the way they have this year. I very am excited to see them live for the first time, and have a sing-a-long to their songs with a crowd over thirty-thousand. All in good time. Musicians and music fit in the appropriate times in our lives that help and boost us to a new level of subconsciousness. The National and my new friendships in 2011 were what was needed for me and my growth. I am back in control of my life in every aspect, 2012 is going to be epic, that'll be the year that I break into a full-stride sprint and accomplish the most for my life to come. I can see it as well as smell it, and I am excited! Peace and love!



(Currently listening to Fake Empire by The National, go figure)

Monotony, the silent killer.

"I've made alot of mistakes, I've made alot of mistakes" -Sufjan Stevens A true statement for every one of us, but if we choose to dwell and live within this statement that is where we will find ourselves slipping into depression, and unwanted thought patterns and misunderstanding ones life in general. I know its easier said than done, but if we make those mistakes our strengths then all thats left is growth. Much like how ones muscle is after stretching and working out. If we choose to not continue with working out we will be stuck in a sore unwanted state of our body. We need to tear those muscles and let them grow and rebuild and do it over and over until we find growth from our weakness' and then by looking back seeing the pain and suffering we actually see the path our our growth. This is something that I have come to realized slowly over time, sadly over years of stagnate living and waiting for the world to give me the time of day.

If we are wanting to be noticed, if we are wanting something more than what we have right at this moment, we need to put forth the energy and express gratitude and love to those around us, and ironically we receive it back. If you want someone to express interest in you, don't sit on your hands hoping, do something about it. Smile, compliment, love, by doing these things we are moving about and putting the energy out to the world and one day if it be instantly or later you will receive that energy back. "The energy that we have have is just borrowed from the earth, and one day we give it back" -Avatar reference.

I have recently seen a lagging and monotonous living in my life over the past month. Possible from my recent breakup? I see that as a possibility, but I am needing a much needed lift and have been working on that. I start with a smile, smiles are contagious and if we show our love to others and the world we get it back, and we will grow and feel at ease. Rid yourself of hate, sometimes logic just needs to be tossed aside...move outta your stagnate life, try something new. Break out of monotony! If we dont try anything new, we will forever be living in our parents basement. Peace and love. keep well

(Currently listening to I Don't Feel it Anymore by William Fitzsimmons)